Thomas F. Honeycutt never became a recurring Derailed character. Which is funny, given how many complaints we used to get. Ton Verstraaten made it into a novel, but poor Tommy ducked in to send a bizarre email to a nationalist, then dipped out again.
This issue had a weirdly stripped down layout. Not sure why. Maybe it didn’t, and something has been lost in the 17.5 years since it was published, which is reasonable. Or maybe it’s the first sign we were giving up.
FIGHTING AGAINST RACISM WHENEVER IT STARTS FIGHTING AGAINST US FIRST
December 2008
We’ve often courted controversy, but nobody — no matter how bad a light we portray them in or how stupid we suggest they are — has ever actually resorted to threats. Until now, that is. Apparently the BNP members are desperate to hide their repulsive racist faces in any way possible. But we’re not taking anything down from the website until we’ve discussed the matter with one of the best lawyers in the business…
Here’s the first message we received. An innocent-looking email from somebody who clearly knows nothing about cycling, masking A TERRIBLE ACT OF SUBTERFUGE:
Sent: 20/12/2008 01:48
To: deraileduk@deraileduk.com
Subject: great site!
Hi Guys
Great site!
Are you allprofessional bikers? Cyclists in the UK?
I’ve started getting into cycling and am planning a trip to the next Tour De France.
I am also a keen photographer/video. I can take pics/video of some events for your website, is there anyone that you put me in touch with that handles or runs your site? Or admin or owner? There’s not much info as to who to contact on your site.
Anyway, would be great to know who you all are!
Great Site!
Thanks
Mad Mike!!
We’ll admit we’re not very good at replying to emails, but nobody could be in such a drunken stupor that they’d actually expect us to get back to their redundant, middle-of-the-night message within 25 minutes, surely? APPARENTLY SO. Michael Calvert must’ve begun his search-engine scramble immediately, because he sent an email to one of our contributor’s parents just minutes later to tell them that their son would be facing a lawsuit:
Sent: 20/12/2008 02:17
To: XXXXXXXXXX
Subject: Breach of a British Court Order – BNP Membership list
Dear Mr XXXXXXXXXXX
This is to inform you that your son has breached a British High Court Order by publishing the entire list of British National Party members, on his website, www.deraileduk.com.
Not only is the publication of this list a breach of a court order but he can also be charged with contempt of court. Your son may also find himself dealing with a massive law suit in regards to the British data privacy act of 1998, “Data must not be disclosed to other parties without the consent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consent) of the individual whom it is about, unless there is legislation or other overriding legitimate reason to share the information (for example, the prevention or detection of crime). It is an offence for Other Parties to obtain this personal data without authorisation.”
Plus other issues regarding the European Human Rights Act and further U.N Human rights resolutions could be applied to any possible future legal proceedings against your son for his actions.
Not only has your sons actions placed everyone on this list at risk from Identity fraudsters but releasing their names is a gross invasion of privacy, especially for many of the OAPs on this list, many of whom are World War 2 veterans who have had to deal with hate calls and other criminal acts.
So, finally I would like to appeal to you to ask your son to remove this BNP list from his website or proceedings will be taken against him, which I would not want to see happen.
Thank you for your time,
Yours Sincerely
Michael Calvert
Is a “massive law suit” something you can wear? Time to consult our lawyer, Mr Thomas F. Honeycutt!
To: Michael “Mad Mike” Calvert [madmikecalvert@yahoo.com]
Subject: Re: Breach of a British Court Order – BNP Membership list
Dear Michael “Mad Mike” Calvert,
I would like to avoid the usual opening preamble in favour of thanking you for your “e-mail”. It is not every day that one gets to speak to a great British war hero.
And I would also like to extend to you my thanks for providing me with Wikipedia’s legal definition of consent. We know, us powerful intellects, that a scan of Wikipedia, some quick thinking, and never forgetting where to put the apostrophe’s is all it takes to be a truly great lawyer. And I am a truly great lawyer. Remember the Mark vs. Simpson case in Palm Springs, CA? Or the trial of Barrington Mitchell Jr., also in Palm Springs, CA? Let me tell you, I was the first lawyer in California to advertise on both freeways and interstates. I also successfully sued the producers of the television (“TV”) show “Ally McBeal” for their character “John Cage”, who, the court decided, was based on me. The entire case is covered in detail on Wikipedia, should you wish to conduct any further research.
So, I hear you ask, why have you travelled from Palm Springs to England (not Britain)? Why would you give up your life as one of the United States of America’s highest profile lawyers to live in England (not Britain) to represent a tiny website and a few dozen people who’ve tripped over cracked sidewalks? Simply, I wanted a quieter life, away from the supermodels and paparazzi. Truth be told, Mad Mike, I am finding the slow pace a little too slow, if you know what I mean. I would relish the thought of a high profile court case to get my blood racing. A chance to “flex” these “pecs”, so to speak.
However, my clients would not be able to afford the “massive law suit” you suggest, and feel terrible knowing that war veterans like yourself have had their privacy invaded. As a result, I must inform you that my clients and I humbly surrender to your request. Please furnish me with the details of the British High Court Order (preferably a scanned copy), as well as, if I may be so humble to request, a form of ID so that I am able to ascertain that your intentions are genuine.
I am sorry for having to take this step, Mad Mike, but many months of haggling with an untrustworthy Nigerian over the $3,000,000 inheritance of a tragically deceased prince have taught me not to simply believe all that is emailed to me. I hope you can understand, as there are conmen out there who’ll take your fair share of a fortune in an instant. Many conmen. So many conmen.
Yours Sincerely
Thomas F. Honeycutt
P.S. I was very sorry to hear of your demise (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Calvert). Please let me know if this is a case of mistaken identity, an error on Wikipedia, or simply the restless ghost of a true British hero contacting me through the ether to right a terrible wrong.
THIS E-MAIL CONTAINS INFORMATION WHICH IS CONFIDENTIAL AND MAY BE SUBJECT TO LEGAL PRIVILEGE. REPRODUCTION OF THIS E-MAIL IS PROHIBITED. THE CONTENTS OF THIS E-MAIL HAVE BEEN CHECKED FOR MALICIOUS SOFTWARE WITH LAWYERSCAN 2008, BUT WE ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY HARM CAUSED TO YOU OR YOUR SYSTEM THAT RESULTS FROM THIS MESSAGE.
No further correspondence.
THE BIENNIAL DERAILEDUK AWARD CEREMONY
No more glitzy than two years ago. No less rubbish. Let’s just get this over with so we don’t have to do it again for another two years.
WORST CYCLING AWARDS OF 2008
THE WINNER: ALL OF THEM, INCLUDING THIS ONE
Don’t get us wrong, we like a good “50 Best Riders of the Year” feature as much as anybody. But it’s reached the point where it’s so widespread that it’s as though there’s a pandemic trugding through the country, forcing cycling writers to put their names to uninspired, pointless features in a desperate attempt to make it through the off-season. The way things are going, Broomwagon’s probably doing his “50 Best Things I Saw On DerailedUK Then Turned Into Proper Jokes” in Cycle Sport right now, while Dr Hutch is going for the “50 Best Things That Happened To Me During Time-Trials”. All magazine editors can email us this time next year, when we’ll come up with unique, cheap features for each of you to run instead of this filler.
WHINER OF THE YEAR
THE WHINER WINNER: LEVI LEIPHEIMER
Levi was completely unphased by signing for an extremely tainted team at the end of 2007. That was until the ASO decided that since they could invite whoever they want to their own race, it’d probably make sense to leave out a team with a consistently appalling track record on doping. ASO were right: It wasn’t the new team Bruyneel and his sneering henchmen claimed it was — of the 30 riders on the squad, 17 had been part of the Astana and Liberty Seguros teams that had brought scandal to the two previous Tours de France, and the team’s ownership and management hadn’t changed beyond the hiring of Bruyneel and his staff. But Leipheimer put his fingers in his ears, pretended he was the team leader, and launched the LetLeviRide.com website in an attempt to sulk his way back into the race. Within a week, we’d launched the LetLeviCry.com website. We’d expected hatemail by the bucketful, so we were terrified when our hosting company called us the morning after the night we’d created the site to ask how we’d managed to use 2GB of bandwidth overnight on a single page with only a couple of paragraphs of text and a single image. Turns out a lot of people were sick of Levi’s whining too, including one of the big, squeaky clean teams. We received just one negative email.
RUNNER UP: PAT MCQUAID
Pat was looking pretty scary for about a month when he was threatening to ban every pro cyclist and run over Patrice Clerc’s dog. In the end, his threats were hollow. Thankfully. Despite getting Clerc sacked as part of a “let’s be friends” deal with the ASO, McQuaid mainly spent the rest of the year quietly taking his bribes and only popping his head up now and then to moan about trivial things, like why he thinks dope testing is a bad idea.
LOSER: DAVID MILLAR
Didn’t moan all year, despite a long history of being prone to having a whinge. He’s clearly happy at Garmin-Chipotle. Good on you, Dave.
MOST WORRYING MAGAZINE DEVELOPMENT
THE WINNER: PROCYCLING’S INSISTENCE ON ADDING RUBBISH OPINION PIECES TO EVERY FEATURE
ProCycling hasn’t done much wrong in the past year, and even though it’s only really in a two-horse race (or three-horse race if you can afford to blow twenty quid on that Rapha magazine), it always feels like you’re reading it because of its own merits rather than out of lack of choice. So what’s with them suddenly adding a load of preening, sanctimonious bollocks to the end of half the features in the magazine? Dan Friebe says “Nice one, Cyrille”? Peter Cossins says “I believe Lance”? “You people on forums should be nicer about dopers because everything bad that happens to them is all your fault, and not at all the fault of the media who peck away at every single scandal like schadenfreude-powered vultures and use every free column inch to perpetuate the same tired, damaging discourse that cycling fans have been sick of for nearly ten years”? It’s almost as though they don’t understand that the reason people prefer ProCycling to Cycle Sport is that it’s full of well-written, carefully researched, thought provoking articles rather than just a load of onanistic star-vehicle bollocks about which beer Lionel Birnie is drinking this month and the latest ‘Shopped photograph of Ed Pickering.
RUNNER-UP: CYCLING WEEKLY COMING GOOD
Not that good, mind, but the comic has got to the point where anything positive is a surprise. Their Top 50 British Riders of 2008 advent calendar was pretty riveting reading, doing everything it should’ve done and keeping us coming back for more. Shame you had to buy the actually buy the magazine to find out who was in the top ten…
WORST POLITICIAN WHO PROMISED TO BE PRO-CYCLING BUT FUCKED US OVER CONTINUALLY ONCE HE GOT INTO POWER
THE WINNER: BORIS JOHNSON
Not content with making cyclists look like bumbling idiots with terrible dress sense and no style on a bike whatsoever, Boris obviously wanted to put the boot in a bit more this year. Here are just some of the things he did between May and now that widened the inbalance between car users and the rest of us:
- Increased public transport costs at a rate considerably higher than inflation.
- Removed several current or planned pedestrianised areas.
- Put motorbikes in bus lanes.
- Rephased traffic lights to favour motor vehicles even more than they previously did.
- Cancelled £3.7bn of public transport measures in the poorest, least connected parts of the city.
- Refused to fund various London councils’ plans to reduce the speed limit from 30mph to 20mph.
- Scrapped the £25 emissions charge for 4x4s.
- Took away 100 jobs at TfL — specifically, the ones for enforcing parking rules.
- Halved the London Cycling Campaign’s budget, from £20m to £10m.
- Hinted at reducing the size of the Congestion Charge zones.
- Removed the requirement for mid-year taxi inspections. (Nearly 40% fail.)
Don’t blame us. We didn’t vote for him.
WORST INTERNET CYCLING COMMUNITY
THE WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF THEM
Whether it’s the smug know-it-alls at Veloriders or the belligerent clique of middle-aged nerds at Podium Cafe, there really is nothing worthwhile to be gleaned from any of the cycling forums. What could be an open, intellectual discussion of the state of cycle sport and an opportunity to resolve the key issues and formulate new discourses is, in reality, just a spiralling descent into one-upmanship and petty squabbles. Do us a favour: Delete your message board accounts right now and use the time you’ll save to read some books and write a blog. Then email us your blog address and we’ll read every single entry, consider it, even write heartfelt responses, then we’ll share the link with everybody we know. It’s the only way we can discuss cycling on the internet and make even the tiniest fragment of a difference.
MOST TEDIOUS SHILLS
THE WASHING MACHINE POST
“The new Rapha top is excellent. Here’s a photo of me wearing it. You can buy one yourself if you click this link.” Also “The Mighty Dave T” is embarrassing and the lack of correct capitalisation throughout the site frustrates us.
ANIMALS ON BIKES #19
A fly on a bike. Possibly dead. Sad if true.
His wheels need truing too.
GUERILLA RADIO
GUEST ARTICLE
There has been talk of banning team radios in cycling, which has been divisive in the sense that everyone wants to ban them except for a small number of very influential people who don’t. Team radios are unpopular with fans and race officials because they make the racing less spontaneous and reduce riders to puppets at the control of their directeur sportive. However, they are popular with teams because they make the racing less spontaneous and reduce riders to puppets at the control of their directeur sportive. Perhaps, rather than an outright ban, an alternative method of rider-to-car communication could be used? Here are some suggestions:
Text message: All riders to carry a mobile phone in their back pocket and communicate by text message. The sight of a first year pro using predictive text in a language he is not yet fluent in while riding in a bunch around traffic furniture would do wonders to spice up the action on flat, early stages of grand tours. Similarly, riders texting with one hand and eating an energy bar with the other, while barrelling down a mountain at 80km/h would help attract a younger audience.
Semaphore: Communicating by wild arm gestures is already widely used by many teams from southern Europe, so its adoption would be fairly seamless. Northern European and particularly Russian riders may not be in favour, due to loss of stony-faced composure.
Shouting: Put simply, the DS drives alongside the rider and bellows at him to ride harder. Again, this practice is already well established and many teams already use it in a combination with the semaphore signals mentioned above.
Cup on a string: The DS speaks (or shouts) into a cup, causing vibrations in a string attached to another cup, held to the rider’s ear, the rider reversing the process to reply. However, the safety implications of several riders’ strings becoming entangled while negotiating alpine switchbacks are a worry.
Morse code: The DS alerts his riders by sounding a message with his horn. As with semaphore and shouting, this is also already in wide practice, although it is easy for different teams orders to become confused.
Passing notes: The DS writes a note, folds it in half and asks the rider nearest him to pass it on to the riders from his team. The rider then writes on the note and returns the message via the same route. This procedure can be spiced up by race officials spotting notes being passed, confiscating them and then reading them out in front of the whole peloton.
THREE MORE DERAILED STICKERS!
If you’ve emailed us photos of stickers and we’ve not published them, it’s because we managed to format both of the D:UK PCs within a week of each other and lost all our emails. Send us them again?
Here’s one in a lift.
And here are two more from WATFORD
The accompanying email:
Subject: Derailed stickers in unusual and rubbish places!
The first one is stuck on a railing, and people passing would probably not even notice it, and even if they did they would not be able to see the address unless they bent over the railing!
The second one is much better, I think.
We agree, “WTFord crew”. It is a good use of our stickers.
