A Beginner’s Guide to Writing an Anti-Cycling Rant in a National Newspaper
The Pitch
You have a column in a newspaper. Well done you. As jobs go its pretty piss easy – you don’t have to able to write or even spell as the paper will provide some minion to do all the hard stuff for you. All you need is to be fairly famous and be able to spout about 1500 words of guff on a weekly basis. Ideally, the column should appear ‘edgy’ despite all opinions expressed falling broadly into the mainstream. This can easily be achieved by picking on the right sort of minority groups.
The Target
Ideally, a soft target should be chosen. Nothing that will get you sued or a fatwa placed upon you and – crucially – nothing that will offend a majority of your readers and get you fired. There is probably some algorithm that can work out the exact ratio of readers angered to readers entertained of any given subject but otherwise it is generally best to leave such judgements to your editor as that’s the sort of thing that he deals with on a daily basis. Cyclists are an excellent choice: write a column about how you dream of repeatedly running one over in your Beemer in front of a baying crowd and the worst outcome will probably be a few hundred angry emails and you getting gobbed on by every single passing cyclist every time you’re stuck in traffic for the next 6 months. In short: you will not be expected to go into hiding for fear of your life. And future confrontations will give you more material for bile laden columns to come. It’s win-win.
The Anecdote
To preserve journalistic integrity there should be a kernel of truth in your statement. You need a story to wrap the rest of your column around. Think hard: Has a passing acquaintance recently been ‘nearly’ run over by a cyclist? Did you spot one riding at a speed that you thought inappropriate? Did you draw a completely random connection between the litter in a hedgerow and passing cyclists? Did one call you a nasty name and bang on your side window when you took a left turn? As they say don’t get mad, get even or – even better – do both.
A Sense of Proportion
Remember, you write for the dailies, for whom the ultimate crime is offending middle England and if a 40-something man in tight fitting clothing doesn’t go against everything decent in British society then what does? Society is for conforming to and no effort is too great in achieving this aim. Contrarily, should the Orwellian nanny state politely request that you desist from wishing a gruesome self inflicted death upon anyone that offends you then never baulk from shouting ‘police state’ in your own defence.
Three Words – Prejudice, Prejudice, Prejudice
As a columnist for a national newspaper, all latent prejudice will have to be carefully veiled. However don’t ever forget to draw connection between the fact that both the cycling and the homosexual community often share a preference to a particular brand of stretchy man made fibre. Similarly, don’t forget certain repeatedly debunked myths about impotence and don’t worry about the obvious contradiction of cyclists being simultaneously middle class poshos AND too poor to afford a car.
Build a Straw man
It’s probably fair to say that you’ve never met a cyclist; in fact it’s probably fair to say that all you know about cyclists has been gleaned from your rear-view mirror. So, from this position of absolute ignorance, fill your target full of other undesirable traits that you suspect them of sharing and then attack them as hypocrites. Again, don’t worry about obvious contradictions. Don’t worry that, as with most modes of transport, cyclists come from a broad church and do not overwhelmingly come from one class, belong to one race or sex, or follow one particular political view.
Call The Kettle Black
As mentioned in the previous point, cyclists are humans that use a particular mode of transport and, as such, behave much the way that humans do in all other walks of life. However, seeing as you have singled out them and them alone for abuse, feel free to draw a connection between bicycles and the very lowest depths of depravity. Obviously, an inanimate object turns an ordinary human being into a killing machine. As you make this point, avoid comparisons with other much heavier, much faster, modes of transport that may also occasionally cause the odd death as this will violate the second point.
Its Not Fair
On which note, why is it that a safer form of transport is less heavily regulated than a more dangerous one? Don’t we live in a free society? Do not attempt to open your libertarian views out to trucks, aircraft, supertankers etc as, unlike cars, these are clearly dangerous and in need of regulation.
Road Tax
As with all arguments, the taunt – ‘Pay yer road tax’ is a lot quicker to say that ‘Its not road tax, its vehicle excise duty and it doesn’t pay for ‘your’ roads as ‘your’ roads are paid for out of my income tax you fucking twonk’, by which time the adversary is about half a mile up the road. Use this to your advantage.
If It All Goes Tits Up, Claim You Were Only Joking
As used by every controversial journo this side of the Jyllands Post.
Originally published January 2010. Terrifyingly, still true today.