Script extract: 2006 Tour de France Christmas Musical

NARRATOR
And so the 16th stage had ended. Floyd Landis had lost his lead in dramatic style and was out of contention for the overall win. Or so everybody thought. As the other competitors celebrated, what nefarious deeds could Landis be plotting?

(Enter OSCAR PEREIRO. Cue medley.)

OSCAR PEREIRO
My role in the race has been as pacifist 
But now is the time that I re-enlist 
By the podium girls I have been kissed 
And proven I am the best bicyclist

Yesterday for Landis was a catastrophe 
Soon I will earn the winner’s trophy

(Enter JOHN LELANGUE, Phonak team manager, and FLOYD LANDIS. JOHN LELANGUE continues the song.)

JOHN LELANGUE
As hard as it seems, we have to foresee 
A way to get our hands on that jersey

FLOYD LANDIS
I have a plan to win despite this affliction 
I was the contender with the greatest conviction 
Yesterday’s failure was just a depiction 
(Provided I don’t develop an addiction)

(JOHN LELANGUE and FLOYD LANDIS step into the shadowy back of the stage, and dance around a cauldron. Enter ANDREAS KLOEDEN.)

ANDREAS KLOEDEN
Why didn’t Floyd just eat a snack?
Oscar will lose because he’s whack

(Enter a television COMMENTATOR.)

COMMENTATOR
How could Landis get his lead back?

(Floyd Landis steps back into the spotlight, music takes a sombre tone.)

FLOYD LANDIS
I’ll put this patch upon my saaaaaaaaaaaack