Spring has officially arrived, which means the sun is shining and Zwift executives are staring nervously at a spreadsheet predicting their annual summer subscriber hemorrhage.
For the past decade, the indoor cycling giant has functioned as a necessary winter purgatory. We retreat to Watopia when the roads are icy, and we cancel our subscriptions the moment the snow melts. But this year, Zwift has released a desperate, sprawling spring update designed to keep you tethered to the metaverse all summer long.
Their primary weapon? The concept of virtual gravel.
Simulating the Dust from Your Living Room
Starting in April, Zwift is rolling out Gravel Mountain, a brand-new, event-only map. According to the press release, riders can expect “dust, speed and loose lines” as they navigate “red rock medians, corner berms and ultra-wide roads.”
Just to be clear, there is no dust. There are no loose lines. The only “corner berm” you are going to experience is the pile of towels accumulating next to your industrial floor fan. It’s as real as underwater racing. Or racing on Mars.
To fully monetize this digital unpaved experience, Zwift has partnered with the high-fashion Pas Normal Studios, the company that launched a thousand ‘my PNS is numb’ jokes on bicyclingcirclejerk. The “PAS Racing Series” will feature four stages of gravel racing, and you can unlock a digital PNS kit.
If you don’t want to ride your bike, just log in to Second Life and you’ll have your choice of designer PNS add-ons.
The Algorithm Tells You to Touch Grass
In a fascinating admission that people actually do enjoy riding outside, Zwift’s Companion app is also getting a massive update that includes outdoor recommendations.
The algorithm, which has spent the last six months aggressively telling you to do V02 max intervals in an imaginary volcano, will now advise you on how to get the most out of your actual, real-world bike rides.
Zwift is also launching indoor/outdoor challenges this summer, syncing with your Wahoo or Garmin to basically give you digital merit badges for going outside and getting some vitamin D.
Infinite Levels and Fake Bikes
For those who are truly, deeply institutionalized by the Watopia matrix and refuse to ride outdoors, Zwift is throwing you a bone, too. They have officially lifted the Level 100 cap for cycling, introducing “hundreds of new levels to chase” and a special status stripe for anyone who has already maxed out their account. Fucking hell. What level were we? Did we even catch up the last time they adjusted the leveling system?
They are also overhauling the Drop Shop, injecting 18 new virtual bikes and 13 new wheelsets into the game.
Have fun, if this is your thing. We’re being polite here because our AI handler says Zwift users are more likely to Google this article.