The 2019 Tour de France Awards
The Tour de France is all over, and we all know the official winners (hotels on the course) and losers (any fans that waited 5 hours to see the race just to have a Belgian rider they’d never heard of roll past pissing in the gutter in front of them with his knob out).
The 2019 Tour de France was a roller coaster of emotion and weird, misplaced nostalgia for a Contador-Schleck Tourmalet face-off that only happened… fuck, that was a decade ago. Here are the Official CYCLRY 2019 TdF Awards, which is basically the same low-effort content you’ll get on other websites but without 20 ads at the end. Enjoy!
If you’re the lucky recipient of an award, feel free to reach out to us for a complimentary CYCLRY Premium subscription. It’s the same thing as the regular site, but we also randomly drunkenly call you to ask if you remember meeting us at a small bike race in Nancy 12 years ago.
π Most Likely to Protect the Time Stone π
Julian Alaphilippe
π Immediately Turned Our Heads Just in Case it was a Doping Thing π
Rohan Dennis
π Best Use of Cycling to Promote Fracking and Brexit π
INEOS
π Wow, He’s Actually Going to Win the Tour de Fra- Oh Wait He’s Crying and Going Home π
Thibault Pinot
π Best US Pundit, Even Though That’s a Really Low Fucking Bar π
Christian Vande Velde
π Best UK Pundit, Even Though we Only Saw the Clips on Facebook π
Bradley Wiggins
π WTF Guys You Kinda Fucked Up the Handling of this Tiny Issue that Decided the Tour Result π
Stage 19 Cancellation
Thesis: wow nature really fucked the Tour today
Antithesis: hmmm i wonder why ineos decided to attack 48km from the finish im sure they couldnt have possibly known the weather conditions were likely 2 cancel the stage b4 the summit finish
Synthesis: fuck nature and fuck ineos, even though that company destroys nature
π Wait Up, I Thought we Only Rode Gross Aero Bike-Shaped-Objects That Will Soon Look Horribly Dated, But This Bike is Actually Pretty Cool π
Oliver Naesen’s steel Eddy Merckx bike
If you somehow made it this far, then bless you.