DerailedUK Issue Six

DerailedUK Archives:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27a | 27b | 28 | 29

There’s a feeling that we dialed in Issue Six. Admittedly, that’s a feeling common to all issues of DerailedUK. There’s also a sense that we were growing weary of the world of pro cycling, especially since we were working in it for our day jobs. Again, that’s a sense common to all issues of DerailedUK.

We start with a 2008 Tour de France preview in which we say eventual winner Carlos Sastre is nothing more than a water carrier. Oops. Sorry Carlos, but we did cheer for you when we were out on the road, baffling the locals with the sheer amount of Oranginas we were able to neck down.

We settled the score with an annoying video game forum, which in turn settled the score with us by writing all kinds of horrible nonsense about us. We can assure you that, despite the forum’s magnificent accusations, we have never been too busy railing girls to watch bike races. In fact, we’ve never done sex at all. It’s definitely one of the greatest insults we’ve ever received though.

Finally, there’s an absurdist rendering of the Greg LeMond – Bernard Hinault feud of the 1980s. We published this because we were writing a book about LeMond at the time, but that project petered out. You’ll have to read one of the ten thousand other books about LeMond and imagine it’s full of jokes about poo and foreskins.

The issue’s tagline was “Belittling the folding bike industry since 2006.” Little did we know how many folding bikes we’d ride and review in the 24 months that followed.

Le Tour de Railed

June 2008

It’s a Tour de France preview! Another one! At least we’re not charging a hyper-inflated price for this edition to capitalise on the casual fans, which sets us aside from certain sportive-heavy weekly magazines.

The DerailedUK megacomputer is broken – it was LITERALLY too powerful for its own power supply, and gave up – so we’ve had to make up this entire issue at work when nobody’s looking. We’ll make next month really good as compensation for this one being cack.

CADEL EVANS
Not a natural winner, completely lacking in style, and so defensively minded that the Italian national football team are thinking of hiring him as their next coach. So he’ll probably win it by 10 minutes.

DENIS MENCHOV
Boring, baffling conservative on a bike, and riding for a dodgy team. Why hasn’t Bruyneel signed him up already? He was our pick for the Tour back in October, but we’re less sure now. On the positive side for Denis, Rabobank has been a close supporter of the ASO of late – and every little corruption counts in mediasport…

ALEJANDRO VALVERDE
Won a time-trial against a tired Levi Leipheimer and an out of form Cadel Evans. Was accused of doping as a result, mostly by people citing 2006’s Puerto documents as evidence as to why 2008 Valverde can suddenly time-trial. Sigh. Will lose dramatically.

ANDY AND FRANK SCHLECK
Lumping the brothers together is something that all the other Tour previews seem to have done, probably because they’re both so redundant that trying to think of anything interesting to write about the latest CSC PR stars is utterly hopeless. Hopefully the Frank who launches crazy attacks and falls into ravines will show up this year.

CARLOS SASTRE
Climbs like an okay climber, time-trials like an okay tester. Clearly, the stuff of legends. Will be collecting waterbottles as soon as Riis finds a star to be the real team leader. Which could be this year. Uh oh!

EVERYONE ELSE
Aka. The Interesting Riders. Ricco will crash and burn, Cunego will be lucky with a top ten, Kirchen will push for a top five, and you’ll have to explain to your girlfriend that no, seriously, the Tour de France is exciting and not at all tedious, it’s better than this usually, honestly. At least there aren’t any good Americans riding.

GREEN JERSEY

With Tom BOONEN too busy crashing cars and sniffing coke, this year’s green jersey could go to anybody. But probably Thor HUSHOVD, who isn’t as fast as Mark CAVENDISH and Robbie MCEWEN, but actually tries quite hard to get over the mountains. Bless.

POLKA DOT JERSEY

Dicky Virenque made the system of winning a polka dot jersey boring at exactly the same time as Lance Armstrong did the same to the yellow jersey. There’s plenty of people copying Lance’s style, but nobody copying Virenque’s, because the jersey is pretty naff. Maybe Juan SOLER?

YOUNG RIDERS, TEAMS, AND COMBATIVITY CLASSIFICATIONS

Who cares?

PROMOTIONAL IMAGE OF THE MONTH

The wonky-kneed, parrot loving asthmatic is riding the Tour of Britain this year!

EMAIL OF THE MONTH

From: Sandy Snell
To: DerailedUK
Subject: haste yourself

Find a girl
Invite her to your appartments
Use subject product V (or C)
Have fun
Take her number
Profit?

SCRIPT EXTRACT – “THE ODD COUPLE (OF CYCLISTS)” SITCOM PILOT

INT. THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOTEL ROOM IN GRENOBLE.

After a hard day’s training, BERNARD HINAULT returns to the room to relax. He is shocked to find his team mate GREG LEMOND sitting on his bed.

LEMOND
Oh, hi Bern! I came to your room to watch Roland Rat. Cyril said it would be okay!

HINAULT
But why are you wearing my dressing gown?

LEMOND
I got chocolate on my kit! Cyril said it would be okay if watched TV and got dressed and left him alone for an hour!

A look of annoyance appears on Hinault’s face as he walks towards the shower room.

LEMOND (CONT’D)
Woops, sorry Bern! The thought of living in a sewer has made me do a bit of sick on your dressing gown!

ANIMALS ON BIKES

Animals on Bikes hits the mainstream, with a milkshake company cashing in on our hard work.

THE WORST OF THE WEB: PCMDAILY.COM

“PCM.daily” is a fun website about the game Pro Cycling Manager! Users are invited to sign up and score points over each other, argue about Danish cyclists, and compete to see who has the fewest friends. There are 49 exciting forums for you to try and navigate your way through, and as many as twelve members to talk to!