The One Good eBike
We don’t talk ebikes too much on Cyclry. There has been the odd snide remark, obviously, but if the odd snide remark counts as actual coverage, then we cover almost everything in the world.
In fact, the number of offers we’ve had to receive free ebikes massively outnumbers the number of actual ebike articles we’ve written. Not sure what that’s about. It’s not the 2000s anymore, you can’t just send us thousands of pounds of free product for coverage… and if you’re seriously emailing us to send us a $3,850 ebike, you’re greatly overestimating our platform’s significance in the 2020s.
But the general tone of what we HAVE written has been negative. That’s because ebikes are super lame.
They have their upsides though: they empower new people to ride bikes, and eliminate the fitness requirements that push the elderly into cars or onto busses. See, before ebikes were a thing, you never got any points for overtaking a granny riding with her panniers full of plants. Now, she’s motorized. Full points. Basically the same as passing a group ride, and only a few points short of what we award for winning the gravel worlds.
Now there’s another upside. Introducing… [drumroll]
The J-off ebike.
How is it better than other ebikes? Well, just check out these spec comparisons:
| J-off | Other ebike brands | |
|---|---|---|
| Price | Don’t know | Don’t know |
| Battery life | Don’t know | Don’t know |
| Weight | Don’t know | Don’t know |
| Name is literally a synonym for masturbation | YES | Don’t know |
Yeah, they really called it the J-off. Please, we beg you, let us run this brand’s marketing for a week. Or its social media for ten minutes. “Try J-off and see how much easier you KOM.” Something like that. We’ll workshop it.
In the process of belaboring this single sentence joke into a length that will make Google’s SEO scrapers find it, we figured out that the J series has on (road), off (mtb), and all (fuck knows, gravel or whatever). They should add a J-none for people like us, who don’t ride bikes (unintentionally) and don’t ride ebikes (intentionally).
Anyway. Time to J-off until I KOM.