“Liberals are Turning our Bikes Goober-Coded” – Some Dork

Mike Cernovich, the cross-eyed right-wing grifter famous for crying about videogames in 2015 and then crying about almost everything else in the decade that followed, has weighed in on cycling culture.

If you’re not terminally online, congratulations, you won’t understand a word of this. Well, maybe you’ll understand the word ‘cycling.’ It breaks down as follows:

Divorced and disbarred, Mike has followed the ancient path of riding a bike to prove his worth over his wife’s boyfriend.

Unfortunately, while cycling is caffeine-coded (presumably in the sense that we all drink espressos) and nicotine-coded (he once saw a bike messenger smoking a roll-up cigarette), it is not right-wing. We appreciate that we’ve lost you here, and that the causal chain from coffee to bicycles to right-wing politics makes no sense in your mind. Please just understand this: Mike is a fucking idiot. He’s acquired the level of lead pipe brain damage that took boomers half a century of unearned success to riddle them like parasites. He starts talking three-quarters of the way through his paragraph and still accidentally walks into the dead-end of accusing returning shopping carts of being a woke activity. The point is, the words don’t have to make sense, they just fall out of him like warm diarrhea and the ensuing splatter on the floor is a Rorschach test that determines whether your politics are normal or the type that shoots up a Chic Fil A.

He follows with “the right let the left take over cycling culture,” which might have been true in about 1860, though the average Victorian would die instantly if exposed to even the weakest Twitter discourse.

In taking over cycling culture, the left made it “goober.” No idea. Something to do with peanuts? Any slow burn jokes about numb peanuts are unnecessary, Mike: you already made it onto bicyclingcirclejerk.

But when he says “spiritually, it belongs to the right,” he’s factually correct: when you think of cyclists, your mind immediately pictures fat guys on their third heart bypass smoking cigars and yelling at pickle brands on Facebook for sharing a photograph of a rainbow flag.

And so we accept it. Big city liberals get instantly owned thinking of the right-wing riding bicycles on country roads, drinking espressos and arguing about whether Coppi or Bartali was better. We get extra owned when you junk your gigantic pickup trucks and do activities that involve logging off from the internet for several hours at a time. You found the cheat code, Mike.