Our Vox Pop Verdicts on the 2022 Tour of Britain Host Regions
The Tour of Britain has revealed its route! Wait, the Tour of Britain has revealed its host towns. Wait, the Tour of Britain has revealed the vague areas in which its stages might take place.
Whatever. We’ll write some bollocks about it anyway. Gives us a chance to introduce three new characters we’ve been working on.
Might see you at the North Yorkshire stage?
Stage one | Sunday 4 September | Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire
The general area should come as no surprise: this will be the eighth Scottish Grand Départ in modern Tour history. This is also the furthest north the race has ever started.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): What a treat for the riders, and for the Scotch fans who will be lining the streets in their kilts. The Scottish Cycling Criterium Championships is scheduled for that weekend too… and maybe there will be time to drink a whisky or two. Awesome!
Christena Harper (UK): Absolutely absurd to be starting all the way up there yet again. What are they thinking? The weather will be terrible. Complete waste of a day.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): Aberdeen welcomed the race for the first time last year when it was the finish venue for the eighth and final stage. Belgian star Wout Van Aert (Team Jumbo – Visma) triumphed en route to being crowned overall champion. I have never touched a breast but you can check my browser history if you need proof that I know what they look like.
Stage two | Monday 5 September | Scotland
No details yet – they’ll be revealed in the Spring. Scotland hosts multiple stages as the country prepares to host the Worlds in 2023.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): Scotland again? Well now there is bound to be some whisky spilled! I watched Outlander way back in 2019 and that is when I realized I was Scottish. Are bagpipes real or a joke? We’ll find out on this stage!
Christena Harper (UK): Just Scotland? You can’t even tell us where? They get two stages. Meanwhile, we’re already up to the fifth of September and what have we got from this race? Nothing.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): For the third edition running, Scotland will host multiple days of the Tour of Britain as a part of the country’s continuing commitment to hosting world-class racing ahead of the 2023 UCI Cycling World Championships. Here’s a selfie of me meeting Wout van Aert – I’m the one who weighs 200kg and is wearing a bucket hat.
Stage three | Tuesday 6 September | North East of England and Sunderland
The race travels to the North East for stage three. It finishes in Sunderland, a city that’s no stranger to hosting bike races.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): Wow, the North East of England. I don’t know anything about it. Is that where the Scousers are? I hope so – they’re so cheeky!
Christena Harper (UK): Sunderland now. This is getting ridiculous. That’s basically still Scotland. Nobody will be able to understand what the locals are even saying.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): The 2022’s Tour of Britain’s first foray into England comes on stage three, which will take in the North East before finishing in Sunderland. While it may be the modern race’s first visit to the city, Sunderland welcomed the Milk Race – a semi-professional forerunner of the Tour of Britain – on multiple occasions during its 35-year history. It also hosted a round of the Tour Series, Britain’s leading domestic cycle race series, in August 2021 on a circuit centered around the historic Mowbray Park. One time at school my pants ripped open and I had a stain on my underwear but it was just a normal stain not wee or poo.
Stage four | Wednesday 7 September | Redcar & Cleveland and North Yorkshire
A return to Yorkshire. Between the Tour de France and the Tour de Yorkshire, these roads have seen a lot of professional cyclist traffic since the Tour of Britain last visited.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): York Shire… I know this one: York is its capital. I just Googled it and it says York Shire is the Texas of England… well YEE HAW!
Christena Harper (UK): Redcar AND Cleveland AND North Yorkshire? Exactly how many places are they planning to stop here? And nothing, once again, about Southend, despite how much property tax we pay.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): The Tour of Britain will return to Yorkshire for the first time since 2009 on stage four (Wednesday 7 September). Scheduled to start in the seaside town of Redcar before finishing in North Yorkshire, this promises to be a must watch day of racing. North Yorkshire’s communities are well known for their wholehearted embrace of major cycling events, from the Tour de France Grand Départ to the Tour de Yorkshire and UCI Road World Championships, so large crowds are anticipated for this stage. It’s a great place to catch some rares in Pokemon Go too.
Stage five | Thursday 8 September | Nottinghamshire
Nottinghamshire is back on the menu again, after a most recent appearance in 2018. More details will follow in Spring.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): Wow, Robin Hood. Steals from the rich, gives to the poor – it’s like trickle down economics but from the prehistoric ages. A little man in green is the star of the show today, so I hope they have something planned for the sprinter’s jersey presentation. Go big or go home!
Christena Harper (UK): Still in the North, I notice.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): The Tour of Britain returns to familiar terrain on day five as it heads to Nottinghamshire for the first time since 2018. The county has an acclaimed list of stage winners to its name, with former world champion Tom Boonen (2004); Tour de France stage winners Matteo Trentin (2015) and Fernando Gaviria (2017); and British rider Ian Stannard (2018) all previously victorious in Robin Hood Country. I have masturbated to the fox from Disney’s Robin Hood (1973).
Stage six | Friday 9 September | Gloucestershire and South Gloucestershire
Gloucestershire will play a starring role when the Tour of Britain heads to the county for stage six, which will also take in South Gloucestershire.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): Oh no way, man. I’m not pronouncing that.
Christena Harper (UK): And still in the North. Does anybody even live in these silly little places?
Marc Statto (Netherlands): Friday 9 September marks the first time that the picturesque county of Gloucestershire will have provided the backdrop for a full day of the Tour of Britain. While it may be the modern Tour’s first full stage in Gloucestershire, it is no stranger to the UK’s most prestigious cycle race. Dutch sprinter Dylan Groenewegen won in Cheltenham on the penultimate day of the 2017 Tour, 12 months on from the race passing through Cinderford, the Forest of Dean, Gloucester, Stroud and Dursley during a stage from Aberdare to Bath. The modern Tour of Britain also raced through Gloucestershire in 2014 when heading north to south from Worcester to Bristol. My doctor says it’s unnecessary to get re-circumcised once a year, but I like how fresh it feels.
Stage seven | Saturday 10 September | Dorset
Beautiful Dorset makes its first appearance in the modern Tour of Britain on stage seven.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): Dor-set. I’ll never get over these crazy place names. Well, I’m sure whatever is in Dor-set will be really fun to watch.
Christena Harper (UK): This is going to be absolute chaos. Where will people park? You can’t just hold up traffic all day. There’s no room for a pushbike race in Dorset.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): This historic county gets set to host the UK’s most prestigious cycle race for the first time in modern history. While it may be the modern race’s first visit to Dorset, the county welcomed the Milk Race – a semi-professional forerunner of the Tour of Britain – on multiple occasions during the 1970s and 1980s. I wrote a letter to the bunny I like in Animal Crossing, explaining that she’s an idiot and a whore for having a boyfriend, but she didn’t reply.
Stage eight | Sunday 11 September | Isle of Wight
The Isle of Wight welcomes the Tour of Britain for the first time, hosting the final stage of the race.
Vox Pop Verdicts
Brandon Optimist (USA): The Isle of Wight. I bet this is where George Martin got the idea from when he was writing Game of Thrones. Look out for the Wight Walkers and hope that stage eight is better than season eight!
Christena Harper (UK): It’s a bloody island. They’re having a bicycle race on a bloody island.
Marc Statto (Netherlands): The Isle of Wight will welcome the Tour of Britain for the first time ever on Sunday 11 September 2022 when the 18th edition of the race finishes on the island. Ryde will host the start of the final stage, securing its place in what will be the biggest sporting event to ever take place on the island. The historic seaside town is no stranger to cycling, having previously hosted the opening round of the Tour Series, the leading domestic racing series, that is also run by Tour of Britain organisers SweetSpot. The race’s 2022 finale has been two years in the making, with preliminary details first being announced in July 2020. Follow me on Twitter, where I rank every pro cyclist in excruciating detail for absolutely no fucking reason at all.