The man who sounded like Elvis for three years is about to spend the next decade explaining why he only has one testicle. (ed’s note: This was a collaborative article. Please do email us if you think this subhead means its author should be banned from writing for us. We’re on the fence.)
Didn’t we already write this story? Like, on the old website? The old, old website. Derailed, before we had the domain? Time is circular, it seems, because Hollywood has decided it’s time for another run at the Lance Armstrong story.
Who’s playing him this time? Probably Jake Gyllenhaal. Wait, he’s HOW OLD now?
Let’s check Deadline, whatever that is. Oh, they’re saying it’s Austin Butler, whoever that is. After a cursory Google, you might recognize him as being the man of the permanent Elvis Presley accent and the Dune bald cap. And the biopic will be directed by Edward Berger, who also directed Conclave.
According to the report, the film will focus on the “psychological warfare” of Armstrong’s reign, which fits Berger’s resume perfectly. Or at least the part of the resume that includes All Quiet on the Western Front. We can already picture the slow-motion tracking shot of Austin Butler staring into a mirror, injecting cortisone while a terrifying orchestral score swells.
The biggest question, of course, is how far Austin Butler will go for the role. This is the man who didn’t see his family for three years to play Elvis. Is he going to dope? Is he going to bully teammates in the parking lot of a Red Lobster? Is he going to actually ride a bike, or just sit on a trainer and yell at people?