Garmin Launches the Edge 1050 Bicycle Computer
It’s the latest black rectangle for your bike. Packed full of future e-waste, nestled snugly against a lithium-ion battery. Isn’t there a better system than eradicating the precious finite resources on which all life relies, in pursuit of impossible goals of infinite growth and relentless profit–the Différance around which the capitalist contradiction orbits? Must we all ride the liberal hegemony like a warhead into oblivion? Well, yes, because this new Garmin has a bike bell button.
What else does it do? Let’s read the press release together and try not to get too excited.
“Boasting a vibrant touchscreen display, Edge 1050 combines superior navigation, performance tracking, cycling awareness and smart connectivity—all while impressively delivering up to 20 hours of battery life in the most demanding use cases and up to 60 hours in battery saver mode.” Basically, it has a better screen.
Fresh from the school of ‘software updates sold as hardware updates,’–and you can reread the first paragraph for why we’re implying that’s a bad thing–the Garmin Edge 1040 is “packed with features to help foster a more cohesive cycling community, cyclists can receive road hazard alerts reported by fellow cyclists and see in-ride messaging and leaderboards during group rides. Plus, new additions like on-device course creation and Garmin Pay help make every ride better.”
It’s Like if Your Thighs and Perineum Had Facebook
Garmin has added “features designed to bring the cycling community together,” which it describes as making “rides even more fun.” Dunno. We’ve been on all the cycling forums for a while, and we can safely say that some of the cycling community are right cunts.
New features include road hazard alerts. You’ll see potholes reported by fellow cyclists, and be able to report your own hazards too. Exploit this feature to preserve your KOMs. Don’t think about if it’s ethical. Just do it. It’s like pulling a fire alarm or calling in a bomb threat – just a bit of harmless fun.
GroupRide has seen improvements that “let riders stay connected with in-ride messaging, live locations and incident detection alerts that can notify and route fellow riders to a cyclist in need of help.” Sounds pretty useful! The next thing makes us want to Sylvia Plath ourselves in the oven though: “Cyclists can also add some competition to their ride with in-ride leaderboards for climbs, plus witty postride awards, including Speed Racer (highest max speed), Chatterbox (most heavily using the GroupRide messaging feature), Worker Bee (most time spent pedaling) and more.” We just snapped our press loaner Edge 1050 in half like a burner phone in Breaking Bad.
Both features will also be available on the Edge 540, Edge 840, and Edge 1040 soon.
Other New Things
- New design. Alright then
- Garmin Pay. Suppose that’s fairly useful to be fair
- Built-in speaker. For workout/navigation prompts, bike bell app, and blasting Crazy Legs by (hed)PE
- On-device course creator. Pretty sure this one isn’t new, and if it is, it shouldn’t be
- Surface type. Find out if you’re riding on the road or grævel, useful if you’re missing about half your senses and so can’t tell
- Ride-specific routing. Routing for road, MTB, and grævel… which again cannot possibly be a new feature, can it?
- Map manager. Download maps on your device
Hear What a Guy Paid to Use it Says
“I’ve seen a lot of Edge iterations over the years and none have ever had me as excited as the 1050. The user interface on the new Edge is amazing. Whether it’s messages, the weather or Strava segments, everything is quickly available. The new features are amazing as well; I never have to worry about my wallet again with Garmin Pay now on the Edge and being able to create courses on the Edge (and finding water stops) is a huge plus too. But I have to tip my hat to the built-in speaker—there is a bike bell button! My days of yelling ‘on your left’ are finally over! The new display is insane and it completely changes the experience. The vibrant colors and amazing contrast make the display crisp and easy to see. As an experienced rider, I really appreciate the ease of use of the new Edge 1050. Honestly, new features and tech get harder to use for us old-timers, but the Edge 1050 integrates them perfectly and makes them easily accessible.” —Timothy O’Donnell, professional triathlete and Garmin-sponsored athlete
Can’t Do This Anymore
We made it halfway through the press release. Too long, too waffly, not enough clear stand out messaging to lead with. The rest is basically training plans and wirelessly connecting things like Varia lights and Lovense vibrators.
Price
Available now, Edge 1050 has a suggested retail price of $699.99. Plus the sense of guilt you’re personally ascribing to yourself for participating in this endless semiconductor to landfill pipeline. We can offset that guilt on your behalf if you Venmo us $50.