Shockingly, we weren’t invited to Paris Fashion Week. We’re actually very stylish too, we even threw away that unofficial Nintendo hoodie we used to wear to the park/gym/seditious communist meetings in weird bookstore basements. And this year’s Paris Fashion Week involved bikes, so we doubly deserved to be there.
Pinarello has teamed up with Louis Vuitton to create a bespoke version of the flagship Dogma F road bike. Hang on, Pharrell Williams, who is famous for making music we haven’t listened to because it’s not synthwave, is apparently Louis Vuitton’s “men’s creative director.” Can we have a job like that if they’re apparently just throwing them out to everybody? Bike Staging Director. Paint it brown and put that ugly pattern on it. Bam, done.
The brown bike made its grand debut yesterday during the Louis Vuitton Men’s spring-summer 2027 show. Apparently the runway event featured a surf theme to contrast France’s current heatwave. Not sure why we needed that detail really, but they told us it anyway. It all culminated in a model walking on a pretend beach with a Pinarello bike slung over his shoulder.
Oh yeah, and he was dressed like a cunt too. You think we shouldn’t say that, but he was wrapped in a fucking Louis Vuitton monogrammed bodysuit to fully embrace his cunty aesthetic. For clarity: we’re using that the derogatory gen-x/millennial version of that term. This man was not serving cunt.
Chrome, Monograms, and Catwalk Logistical Gymnastics
The collaboration is being marketed as a seamless marriage of elite cycling performance and contemporary luxury art. Sure. Tom Dumoulin painted his bike brown and everybody laughed. Pharrell Williams does it and it’s art.
The bike features a bespoke leather-covered saddle stamped with the Louis Vuitton monogram pattern, so your perineum can touch the brand. This is paired with leather handlebar tape dyed in the same luxury toilet-bowl brown. The cockpit and the front fork have been given a chrome mirror finish. Who gives a fuck, honestly.
The down tube sports Louis Vuitton branding, and it comes with trispoke wheels. We don’t care to say the name of the manufacturer. There’s also a gold chain and Dura-Ace Di2 and all that other shit that you don’t need on a bike that will never get ridden.
Keeping It in the Family
Turns out all of this is less random than it appears. The luxury conglomerate LVMH group owned a majority stake in Pinarello for seven years from December 2016 until summer 2023, when they sold the iconic Italian marque to billionaire Ivan Glasenberg.
Whether Fausto Pinarello originally envisioned his legendary racing frames being treated as luxury accessories for a clothing line remains a mystery. But if you want to look a cunt and don’t mind paying a price so high that it’s registered as ‘undisclosed,’ you can now match your bike to your ugly expensive bag.
If you’re reading this and considering buying it, send us some of that money that you apparently hate having in your wallet. Thanks.