#tbt – Ford Escort Tour de France

This one feels a bit classist in 2020. As a working class boy with a thick Northern accent, this was actually a dig at the Southerners I spent my days dodging as I rode my bike around West London though.

London still had a love-hate relationship with the Tour since it had hosted the Grand Depart the previous year. Everyone was suddenly aware of it and, because they were British, complaining about it.

Thankfully, we were in France for it, feeling smug and ordering “deux Oranginas” so that nobody would think we were British. I ended up in a fountain in Paris though, so the jig was up. A real Tyler Durden moment.

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Ford Escort Tour de France

Originally published July 2008

Stage One: Essex – Dover (70 km)

Stage Two: Calais – The Nearest Hypermarche To The Ferry Terminal – Calais (1.5 km)

Stage Three: Dover – Essex (70 km)

Green Jersey Requirements: Get impossibly drunk on the ferry both ways then tell everybody at work how good a time you had because of it.

Mountain Jersey Requirements: Base all your judgement of France on the one mile of road with English signs you saw while you were there, punch a Frenchman or German, make a post on the BBC “Have Your Say” website saying that the EU should back off.

White Jersey Requirements: Tell everybody at the ferry terminal how fantastic Margaret Thatcher was.

Doping: Exceding a 20km distance from the ferry terminal constitutes doping. This is banned because it is dangerous for the competitors, whose entire world-view is liable to being completely shattered when they discover that France is an efficient, passionate, interesting country that makes Britain look like the pathetic little island it really is. The maximum punishment for “doping” is three years of being called a “wine drinking puff” by your peers, and having to use the short cue when you play pool.