#tbt – What’s So Special About Team Sky’s Equipment? (Jan 2010)
Sky’s famously been keeping the specifics of its world-beating equipment a secret, but we’ve uncovered some details and we’re not afraid to break the embargo! In your face, Brailsford.
Because caliper brakes aren’t aerodynamic, the brakes have been removed altogether from the bike. Instead, the back wheel has been designed to constantly rub against the frame in order to allow the rider to naturally slow down.
After consulting leading British road safety experts, Sky have added speed camera detectors to every bike.
In order to save pointless weight from shoes and pedals, riders’ ankles will be tie-wrapped to their cranks.
Instead of skinsuits, riders will have the team’s design tattooed onto their body. In order to make this worthwhile for the riders, Sky have promised to sponsor the team for at least 2 years.
Increased the number of helmets available to riders by two. This way, the riders have more helmets.
All equipment is now invisible whenever nobody is looking at it.
The kit will look like Saxo-Bank’s from behind, tricking Jens Voigt into handing up bottles and chasing down breaks.
An implanted microchip will scan the rider’s mind every fifteen minutes for the most inane possible thought, then automatically Tweet it.
Rather than use energy bars and recovery drinks, riders will be expected to insert a ping-pong ball sized “SIS Sports Suppository” every 25 minutes while racing.
In case of a race radio ban, Sky have hired the world’s leading skywriters to relay messages from the team car.
A tiny speaker embedded in the armpit of every jersey emits the sound of a baby crying whenever a rider passes David Millar.