The 2019 Tour de France Awards

The Tour de France is all over, and we all know the official winners (hotels on the course) and losers (any fans that waited 5 hours to see the race just to have a Belgian rider they’d never heard of roll past pissing in the gutter in front of them with his knob out).

The 2019 Tour de France was a roller coaster of emotion and weird, misplaced nostalgia for a Contador-Schleck Tourmalet face-off that only happened… fuck, that was a decade ago. Here are the Official CYCLRY 2019 TdF Awards, which is basically the same low-effort content you’ll get on other websites but without 20 ads at the end. Enjoy!

If you’re the lucky recipient of an award, feel free to reach out to us for a complimentary CYCLRY Premium subscription. It’s the same thing as the regular site, but we also randomly drunkenly call you to ask if you remember meeting us at a small bike race in Nancy 12 years ago.

🏆 Most Likely to Protect the Time Stone 🏆
Julian Alaphilippe

**Alaphilippe:** I went forward in time to see all 14,000,605 possible outcomes of the present situation.
**Lefévère:** In how many did we win the yellow jersey?
**Alaphilippe:** None.

🏆 Immediately Turned Our Heads Just in Case it was a Doping Thing 🏆
Rohan Dennis

Rohan Dennis getting a phone call from his mum telling him to come home for his tea mid-stage.

🏆 Best Use of Cycling to Promote Fracking and Brexit 🏆
INEOS

well i guess if chris froome is ok with it then u can destroy half of yorkshire

🏆 Wow, He’s Actually Going to Win the Tour de Fra- Oh Wait He’s Crying and Going Home 🏆
Thibault Pinot

🏆 Best US Pundit, Even Though That’s a Really Low Fucking Bar 🏆
Christian Vande Velde

Here he is meeting one of his heroes. He’s actually one of the nicest riders I’ve ever interviewed AND wonderfully professional when I worked with him post-retirement, so don’t let the sarcastic tone above fool you.

🏆 Best UK Pundit, Even Though we Only Saw the Clips on Facebook 🏆
Bradley Wiggins

I love the smell of napalm in the morning

🏆 WTF Guys You Kinda Fucked Up the Handling of this Tiny Issue that Decided the Tour Result 🏆
Stage 19 Cancellation

Thesis: wow nature really fucked the Tour today
Antithesis: hmmm i wonder why ineos decided to attack 48km from the finish im sure they couldnt have possibly known the weather conditions were likely 2 cancel the stage b4 the summit finish
Synthesis: fuck nature and fuck ineos, even though that company destroys nature

🏆 Wait Up, I Thought we Only Rode Gross Aero Bike-Shaped-Objects That Will Soon Look Horribly Dated, But This Bike is Actually Pretty Cool 🏆
Oliver Naesen’s steel Eddy Merckx bike

Steel is real. If you ride an aero bike you’re basically a triathlete.

If you somehow made it this far, then bless you.

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