UCI Rules All Future Hour Record Attempts Must Be Done On Gravel

Filippo Ganna’s UCI Hour Record has prompted concern in the UCI ranks by elevating cycling’s attention away from the inaugural Gravel World Championships. In an effort to divert enthusiasm from the archaic hour record ridden on old fashioned fixed wheel bikes hand built for $75,000, the UCI will require all future hour record attempts to take place on gravel, sources have confirmed. 

The new regulations stipulate that the velodrome must be filled with loosely-packed gravel, and all bicycle geometry must be recognizable as a gravel bike. Panniers are required, and sock length will be measured to ensure they meet the UCI’s standards for looking like a fucking dickhead.

Ganna’s record will now stand as the Best Human Effort By A Fred Using Skinny Tires.

“We respect Ganna’s record,” said UCI President David Lappartient, on the changes. “However, we believe the new changes will elevate the sport as a whole. Before long, the record will stand at 30 miles of the wettest, most brutal gravel you’ve ever ridden. That’s something we can all aim for.” 

If you’ve read this far, well done. We were bored of this joke after the first sentence.