We Hate the Tour de France’s New Mascot

The Tour de France has a new mascot, and he’s a proper knobhead.

Giant baby head on top of your average sedentary late 20s French male body, that time right before nature flips a coin and determines whether the guy ends up fully spherical or painfully gaunt. Any kid screaming Maxoo’s name is either so deprived of digital entertainment that they’d even watch a TV broadcasting terror attacks, or else is just a baby trying one last analogy to signal to their parents the horrific state of what they’ve just dropped in their diaper.

Here, do yourself some psychic damage watching this piece of shit:

Did he crawl out of your monitor and tell you that you only had a week left to live, or did that only happen to us?

And just look at the LazyTown-equse velour tracksuit to match his shitty bobblehead. Bike straight out of 2010, back when the fixie craze had peaked and your mom was buying a $79 single speed with deep rims from Walmart.

Here’s his supervillain origin story authorized biography:

From a young age, MAX loved to explore the roads, valleys and summits by bike as he travelled to pick up his father. Together they would sit and watch the sun, as MAX listened to his father’s marvellous stories. As a result, he developed extraordinary cycling skills…

One day, the Tour de France came to town. Initially, it was the delightful surprise that captured MAXOO’s attention, from the cluster of motorhomes setting up by the side of the road to the procession of klaxons and happy laughter. But when he saw the Tour de France structures being set up, with the emblem of a cyclist on a bicycle with a sun wheel rising into the sky, he was struck by a revelation! The next day, when the winner of the stage crossed the finish line in his yellow leader’s jersey to the sound of a cheering crowd won over by his courage and determination, MAXOO’s conversion was complete; he instantly became a lifelong fan!

So, he was delighted by a motorhome at the side of the road, then also liked the bike race that he’d gone to watch. Can’t wait for the Snyder cut of this rich back story.

brb, scheduling our vaccines so we can go over to France this summer and kick the shit out of him.