Derailed Issue Two

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Within ten minutes of releasing this issue, a now-popular artist reached out to tell us that it looked “absolutely revolting.” Wow, rude.

Race to the Sun

February 28, 2008

Spring is here. The first glimpses of sun bring a sense of faith in the world.

It means pretty much the same thing in cycling too. What wonderful optimism we have this time each year, even while the sport boils to its latest scandal behind the scenes.

There’s sun in the sky and cherry blossom on the trees. Ride your bike, and enjoy pro cycling while you can.

Race to the Sun – Contents

Let Levi Cry
Videogame Release of the Month
Email of the Month
Least Interesting Things Ever
Commentators Versus…
Script Extract
Things to Look Forward to
Promo Image of the Month
Animals on Bikes Update
Team Photo of the Month
Newsflash: UCI Does Its Job
Stalking David Harmon

Despite the existence of a variety of long-standing early season races, not to mention the recent addition to the cycling calendar of a multitude of over-hyped training stage races in non-European countries, the pro cycling season doesn’t really start until the Paris-Nice. It was the race that the Pro Tour chose to open their competition, and it has become the race that will decide the outcome of a huge power struggle within pro cycling.

And that’s because the race means much more to cycling than it appears. The Race to the Sun takes its nickname from the weather conditions that influence the racing that takes place. Usually starting in the cold, often frosty, Ile-de-France or Centre regions, the race heads south-east to the warmer weather of Nice. As a symbolic statement, it is analogous with pro cycling emerging from its winter break and the sport beginning again. It’s the perfect season opener.

All of which makes the UCI’s decision to take the political stance of christening the Tour Down Under as the start of the season seem even stranger: It’s like going into an inferno armed with a supersoaker.

The UCI, having proven themselves incapable of running the sport in Europe, are adamant about pushing cycling to emerging markets, where they can presumably mismanage the sport on an international scale. But expansion of the sport into a global market isn’t just about making the sport more popular, or even more profitable. It’s hard, after all, to argue a case for globalisation when you’ve successfully perpetuated and profited from cartel ownership of a microcosmic industry for over a century. Instead, the aim is the development of a worldwide franchise, opening the doors to the same global levels of corruption that make football so profitable for an elite minority. Cycling is trying to sell its own soul, allowing the sport to be pillaged in exchange for the reciprocal boost in cultural influence it gains.

Notably, the ASO seem to be working in some way towards the same goal themselves. Seen through this lens, conflict was inevitable, and this year’s Paris-Nice became the key site for a dramatic power struggle between race organiser and governing body.

The cycling teams were left with a difficult decision to make. Who did they hate the least: The event organisers who wanted the power to pick and choose who could ride their races, and who had already demonstrated that they could destroy a team the previous year during the Unibet saga; or the UCI, who had no races to offer, no specific plan for the future, and who had spent the previous three years alternating between outright persecution of its riders and incompetence in managing their interests? They chose the ASO.

The winning party was the most conservative of the pair, so, for now, cycling can carry on largely as it has done. The season begins again with the Race to the Sun.

When the Amaury Sports Organisation chose not to invite Astana to any of their events in 2008, we knew we’d be in for a couple of months full of nigh-unbearable soudbites and debate.

Sure enough, Levi Leipheimer reacted as though it was a personal attack rather than the ASO choosing not to invite a team that brought shame on its greatest race in two previous years in two previous guises and has now embraced Bruyneel’s institutionalised doping. LetLeviRide.com was born; its goal to bully the ASO into pulling a u-turn on the decision they were perfectly within their rights to make.

Leipheimer was the latest in a long line of Armstrong proteges to respond to any kind of slight with a global PR campaign, disseminating the same bullish discourses of xenophobia and corruption that’ve worked as a call to arms to the most repulsive of cycling fans on so many other occasions.

Or was he? In fact, the domain was bought and campaign funded by Trek Bicycles. So is the whole campaign really about promoting justice for a wronged athlete, or just a desperate attempt to make Trek bicycles continue to be seen in a global market?

We’ve set up our own campaign in response. We don’t hate Leipheimer, since the campaign extends way beyond his influence. We don’t care whether Astana can ride the Tour de France or not, we just care about this latest affront to our sport by an imperialist system devoted to crushing existing structures in order to benefit itself.

Fuck you, Levi. Fuck you, Trek. Fuck you, Bruyneel. And fuck your latest straw man.

LET LEVI CRY is born. Support it.

Cycling Videogame of the Month

Qatar Hero III. Play as Tom Boonen in the 2008 edition of the most popular cycling game in the Arab Emirates. Race through the desert in a series of uninteresting flat stages, giving meaningless wins away to your rivals in a futile attempt to prevent the crowd from booing you.

Price: £39.99
Format: Xbox 360
Number of players: 1-2

Email of the Month

From: Nannan dfdsf
To: DerailedUK
Subject: 0mexican

regards deraileduk
We wish you a happy new year with viiiiiiaaaaaggggraaaa
http://straightbehind.com
Nannan dfdsf

Least Interesting Things Ever

1. OPERACION PUERTO
The fact that this investigation is STILL going on without solving anything other than the problem of how to victimise cyclists at random is bad enough, but the fact that it continues to make headlines ALL THE FUCKING TIME is the kind of thing that makes us despair for the cycling media even more than usual. And that’s without even factoring in all the people on forums reminding us that THERE WERE FOOTBALLERS ON THAT LIST TOO.

Commentators Versus…

ROBERT GESINK
You’d have thought that somebody called Robert wouldn’t cause problems with pronouncing his name. But no, we’ve already heard Hessink, Gessink and Geesink this season.

DENIS MENCHOV
The Vuelta champion might have said his name on multiple occasions, but it hasn’t stopped commentators referring to him as “Denny.” Stop it please.

Script Extract: 2007 Tour de France

EXT. POST RACE MEDIA SCRUM AT PLATEAU-DE-BEILLE, 22ND JULY, 2007.

MICHAEL RASMUSSEN leads the race, albeit amidst rampant media speculation about an alleged missed doping test. Interviewers flock the yellow jersey after the end of the stage.

INTERVIEWER
Michael, can you clarify whether you were in Italy when you told the UCI you’d be in Mexico?

MICHAEL RASMUSSEN
No, I can’t not deny that I wasn’t not in Europe. I also cannot not deny that I wasn’t not in Mexico.

INTERVIEWER
But can’t you give a more clear answer to silence your critics?

MICHAEL RASMUSSEN
I don’t not have no further comments.

Things to Look Forward to in 2008

5. Eurosport promising the best cycling coverage they’ve ever produced, then showing nothing but tennis and snooker during the Spring Classics. This will culminate in 7 minutes of the Paris-Roubaix, all of which will have the soundtrack of David Duffield explaining that Eurosport has to show more important sports, dear viewer.

6. The Spring flurry of new cycling websites, which all seem to specialise in making absurd predictions that have no basis in the real world. Robbie McEwen to win Fleche Wallone? Really?

7. Half the world creaming themselves over the latest winner of Paris-Nice, while the other half claim it was a hollow victory without Contador there.

Promotional Image of the Month

This is the Stash folding helmet, set to revolutionise London’s cycling lanes in 2008.

Also guaranteed to be bought by the kind of people who tell you they love cycling, then go on about how good that rusty hybrid bike in their shed is and how you should go out for a ride together some time.

Excitingly, we’ve got a whole DVD full of Stash promotional images in super-high resolution, and this is easily the least embarrassing one for all involved. Maybe we’ll do a Stash Special in November.

Animals on Bikes Campaign Update

The campaign has been officially cancelled after we saw THIS. Sure, monkeys riding bikes is just as awesome as any other animal, but those guys aren’t supposed to cower at the sight of a man with a whip. Cycling can sometimes feel like torture, but it’s an entirely different kind of torture.

We have visions of setting them free and watching a peloton of furry bottoms ride off into the sunset.

Team Photo of the Month

Just look how happy they all are.

No doubt they’ll all grow out of it quite soon, but it’s still a cut above the moody, high contrast sneering face of Alberto Contador that you’ll find on the Astana team photos page.

Newsflash: UCI Suddenly Actually Cares About its Riders, Rather Than Just Wantonly Persecuting Them

[This article was lost forever when we did some seemingly routine work on the website. Hopefully we’ll find a cached version somewhere, because we actually quite liked it.]

Stalking David Harmon

We’ve learned to behave ourselves a lot more than we used to at official events, but there’s only so much we can take. When David Harmon turns up to the Sigma Sport team launch dressed like a giant, silken-voiced teddy bear, we HAVE to see how long we can get away with following him around. The results speak for themselves: