The Lance Armstrong war machine continues to trundle on, crushing all that’s in its path.

Twitter suggests a lighter Armstrong has arrived, but everywhere else tells a different tale. Like a junky desperate for one last fix, he just can’t stay away. As though this victory will finally be the one that satisfies his need.

It’s a strange time when we suggest that Jan Ullrich retired with more dignity that his great rival. But he’s never tried to eke out validation about his life from a sport he never truly respected or even trusted. He’s left it alone. He’s happy.

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HOW TO SPOT A DOPER

They’re foreign. This is the first and most important rule. Our own, salt of the eart, heart of oak home grown riders are all beyond suspicion, due to their upbringing of good manners, fair play and honesty. In fact, should one of our own find himself the wrong side of a test, the validity of said test should immediately be called in to question. Proof will have to be of the overwhelming variety: Finding a syringe in their flat, say.

For journalists, this rule applies to all corners of the English speaking world in which your mag is sold — an admission of innocence from an English speak rider is sufficient proof, irregardless of how hilariously poor their excuse may be. The same does NOT apply to foreign riders, over whom a suspicion will linger — and be continuously referred to — for evermore.

They beat your favourite. This is a dead giveaway. How else could your blue eyed boy have been so soundly beaten by a dirty foreigner than by impure means? All suggestions that the latter simply trained harder and rode with his brain switched on will be dismissed with a contemptuous snort.

They’re quite good. Another dead giveaway. Winning races? Attacking? Hell, I’ve ridden up that mountain myself and I did the last 5km in an ambulance. There’s no way any human could manage it. The link is quite obvious: To win, you have to ride faster than everybody else. If you ride faster than everybody else you must be on drugs. It’s simple really.

They looked at you funny. (Journalists only) While the fact that a star rider did not bestow the appropriate amount of respect onto you, the continental correspondent of a low-circulation magazine in one of cycling’s backwaters, does not in itself constitute an admission of doping, by the law of averages they are a pro bike racer and will probably get caught at some point in their careers, thus allowing you to bask in their disgrace.

They did a bit of charlie in a nightclub once. Ignoring the fact that in many other sports it is considered ‘a bit of harmless fun’ to hoover up enough chop to grout a bathroom, get blind drunk and then pummel a complete stranger into a coma, for a cyclist to be out of bed past 9pm is surefire proof that he’s a wrong ‘un.

They’re old. Obviously, for all the true lovers of cycling, all history must be dismissed as tainted, with a year zero for the new dawn of ‘proper’ cycling starting with the formation of the Garmin-Chipotle team.

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TEN ANNOYING THINGS DRIVERS DO

STOP IN THE ADVANCE STOP LINE, OR “BIKE BOX”

Bike boxes consist of two lines. The first indicates the point where cars are supposed to have stopped by when there’s a red light. The second is where bikes are allowed to stop. The idea is that bikes can filter down the bike lane, when parked cars and stationary traffic aren’t blocking it, and stop at the advanced stop line. This puts them centrally visible to drivers rather than in their blind spot, reduces cycle congestion, and allows time and space for cyclists to position themselves safely for turning across traffic.

If a light turns orange/red before the first line and it is safe to stop, the driver must stop. They can stop at the advanced line only if the light turns orange/red without enough time to stop at the first line. So some drivers do find themselves there by chance.

Most don’t, and even intentionally creep forward ahead of the advanced line, making things much less safe for cyclists and slowing the traffic flow down due to the fact that they can’t actually see the traffics lights change from such an advanced position. Bell-ends.

And motorbikes can fuck off out of them too.

AMAZING BIKE OF THE MONTH

It’s a single speed! With 16 gears! 2×39 at the front, and 8×16 in the rear!

Oh, you “hipsters”, going around adding unnecessary weight to your bikes.

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COMMENTATORS VERSUS: BELGIAN CYCLO-CROSS SPECIAL

Here’s a pronunciation guide for ‘cross races, benevolently presented by a guest writer so famous that she was the only person at the Dave Rayner Dinner who was able to get seat reservations in first name alone. Even Cav didn’t get that.

We’re hoping this is going to be like those bits where Charlie Brooker gets his mates on to Screen Wipe to talk about TV programmes they watched when they were kids, and you sit there politely enjoying the learning but secretly wishing the angry man would start shouting again.

Kalmthout – Kalm (as in calm) tout
Pijnacker – Pie (as in meat) knacker (as in knackers yard)
Koksijde – Cock (as in you know what) cider
Overijse – Over ice
Diegem – Dee gem (with a hard G)
Tervuren – Ter vur en
Hoogstraten – Hoag (with a hard G) straaten
Oostmalle – Oast maaler
Hoogerheide – Hoager (with hard G) hidey
Loenhout – Loon howt
Hamme-zogge – Hammer zogger
Lichtaart – Lick tart (both a race, and an instruction)

PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ON THE BNP MEMBERS LIST

2026 note: we’re not sharing this one. Not because of the BNP who got upset, which you can learn about in the next issue. But actually because of the person we make fun of in the rest of the section to make it relevant to cycling.

Long term readers, and followers of our drama, might remember which former cycling journalist we were talking about. But just forget it. Life is so perilously short and we don’t feel good about this.

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

CHATEAU D’AX

Welcome to “Where Are They Now?”, a fun guest column profiling the later fates of cycling personalities who used to ride together.

Alberto Volpi, Claudio Corti and Valerio Tebaldi all used to ride for Chateau D’Ax, where their team DS was Gianluigi Stanga. But where did they go from there?

Alberto Volpi switched teams to Gewiss Ballan where his team-mates included Evgeni Berzin, Angelo Furlan, Ivan Gotti and Bjarne Riis. He later became a DS at Fassa Bortolo, helping riders such as Ivan Basso, Dario Frigo, and Alessandro Petacchi.

Valerio Tebaldi rode in his final years for Festina, and was fortunate enough to leave at the end of 97, before things got complicated. He later became a DS at Alessio, where he looked after a certain Laurent Dufaux.

Claudio Corti became an influential Directeur Sportif and brought both Volpi and Tebaldi to work as staff in his Barloworld team, where so many of our Team GB boys have managed to make their big break in pro cycling…

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PROMOTIONAL PHOTO OF THE MONTH

What’s Jan Ullrich up to at the moment?

Oh. Same old, same old.

TEN ANNOYING THINGS DRIVERS DO

NUMBER FIVE

TREAT CYCLE LANES AS THOUGH THEY’RE THEIR OWN PERSONAL ADVANCED STOP LINES

Waiting to come out of a side road into busy traffic? Just pull forward in to the bike lane. If you’re in the widest cycle lane in Britain, it’ll give you almost fifty centimetres of head start for when you suddenly pull out in front of the oncoming cars (unlikely) or bikes (likely). Fifty centimetres. That’s the equivalent of saving… well, no time at all, since you’ll get stuck at traffic lights ten metres later.

Meanwhile, all the poor cyclists who think it’s safer to ride in the bike lane have to swerve erratically into moving traffic to get around you.

How considerate of you to push them from the bumpy, glass-filled cycle path into the centre of the lane, where they rightfully belong. And how inconsiderate of you to sound your horn before passing dangerously close if they try to stay there.

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BEST UNDERHANDED VIRAL MARKETING SCHEME DESIGNED TO APPEAL TO PEOPLE WHO’D RATHER PLAY VIDEOGAMES THAN RIDE A BIKE, BUT STILL THINK BIKES ARE PRETTY COOL AND WILL MAYBE GET A “FIXIE” ONE DAY

[2026_SYSADMIN_NOTE: Not sure what we had embedded here but it’s long gone after 17.5 years…]

Definitely better than Qatar Hero III 🙁

EMAIL OF THE MONTH

EMAIL OF THE MONTH DISCLAIMER

Please don’t go to that website. It’s probably full of viruses and gifs of silicone tits, rather than wonderful woodwind instruments to buy for your girlfriend this Christmas.

If we’re going to get into trouble because of a link we’ve provided, it’s going to be because of the BNP membership list up there. OKAY?

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DERAILED FLASHBACK

Here’s a thing we made back when we actually wanted people to read this site and cared enough to make PDFs. We should update this for 2009, since everybody’s dumped Eurosport for Cycling TV now. It could include the line “Tick when the commentary team just doesn’t turn up and Rebecca Charlton has to stumble her way through three hours of live coverage with no preparation whatsoever.”

The DerailedUK fabulous Giro d’Italia fun pack (13 May 2006)

Never be bored again! When you print off this fantastic checklist as a compliment to Eurosport’s coverage, even the most boring flat stage becomes a joy to watch! Soon you’ll be cheering the occurrence of things that previously made your blood boil!

[Download the PDF file]

First person to (legitimately) complete the checklist and e-mail us will receive a special prize.

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BLOG PLUG OF THE MONTH

CRAP CYCLING & WALKING IN WALTHAM FOREST

We need more blogs like this: Thought provoking, provocatively well written, and inciting you to consider kicking the living shit out of every car you see.

The latter point might be unintended. Even if you’re not the hot-headed type, it’ll still make you despair for the state of city planning and furious over the schemes and subterfuge that combat the needs of pedestrians and cyclists in favour of the wants of a tiny minority of road supremacists.

Read it and weep.

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AMERICANS BUTCHER CYCLO-CROSS,
LIKE THEY BUTCHER EVERYTHING ELSE THEY GET THEIR HANDS ON, POSSIBLY

The Americans still think cycling is about fun, rather than cold, dead-eyed suffering.

The press release:

Thanks Jaclyn!

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