DerailedUK Issue Five

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Issue Five was framed around an intelligent reference to Julius Deutsch, the Austrian socialist who proposed, and implemented, an international, collaborative sport designed to prepare the working classes for a militia-led revolution. And while we believe that this would be absolutely terrible as a spectator sport, there certainly is a valuable lesson in there: a fascist did a push-up today. Did you?

Nah, just kidding. There was that internet meme that was popular around this time. It went like this: “In Soviet Russia, [normal thing] is [reversed].” Damn thing was a revived Yakov Smirnoff bit. The internet recently revived it yet again with that brief “to The Joker, Little Caesar’s crazy bread is just normal bread” series of memes. Elon Musk showed up way late and made the whole thing terribly uncool, killing it off for good. We predict 2030 for the next revival of that joke format.

We’ll bid adieu with the following message: “In Italia, Giro rides you!”

Post-Giro Blowout

May 2008

May? We wasted it watching the Giro. Family gatherings? Jobs? This website? The Giro ruined them all every afternoon. But at least we always have pro cycling to fall back on when we run out of friends/jobs/self-esteem.

And now we’ve cut all our ties with literally everything, we’re all set up to enjoy the Tour de France next month as it should be experienced: A blitz of near-continuous cycling coverage mixed with furious masturbation.

1. ALBERTO CONTADOR
Produced the most mind-numbing display of Johan Bruyneel’s patented negative tactics since the former Discovery, for Astana, “former” doper, Paolo Savoldelli won in 2005. The latest advances in sport science’s anti-loss techniques meant that he won without doing a thing, and seemingly without even trying. Yawn.

2. RICCARDO RICCO @1.57
The Cobra struck twice, before being done over by a bunch of riders who’d rather see a passionless Spanish rider on a controversial team roll into Milan in the maglia rosa. Needs to make some friends before next year.

3. MARZIO BRUSEGHIN @2.54
Who? Time-trialled okay and worked at the front one day with Ricco and Menchov for a little while, and did absolutely nothing else. Thank God the hills were as steep as they were, otherwise we’d be looking at a Contador-Bruseghin 1-2.

4. FRANCO PELLIZOTTI @2.56
The rubber-faced, wavy haired twat somehow almost made the podium. Punching above his weight is an understatement; winning the queen stage is taking the piss. But good luck getting a payrise now your team’s signed Ivan Basso, dork.

5. DENIS MENCHOV @3.37
Displayed what we’re all looking forward to seeing in the Tour – catenaccio tactics, moderate time-trialling ability, and a complete fear of doing anything remotely interesting. The “invisible” (read: “boring”) Russian looked so locked into a single speed on the hills that he might as well have been riding fixed.

6. EMANUELE SELLA @4.31
Made the Giro by being the only rider actually remotely interested in attacking. Fans accused him of drug use as a result. They were probably right.

7. JURGEN VAN DEN BROECK @6.30
“The new Merckx!” “Finally, a Belgian Grand Tour contender!” He’ll do precisely nothing in his future career. Kool huh.

8. DANILO DI LUCA @7.15
Demonstrated his Napoleonic competitive streak and his do-or-die attitude in style with a long break that almost gave him the overall lead. Sadly, the next day he died more than he doed. He’ll be back next year.

9. DOMENICO POZZOVIVO @7.53
Paid off by Astana to work for Contador. Did nothing else of note, but that envelope full of Euros was probably worth it.

10. GILBERTO SIMONI @11.03
The king is dead. Two overall victories (and one more that would’ve been had he not been the victim of serious corruption behind the scenes) will have to do for Gibo’s palmares. Farewell.

MAGLIA CICLAMINO

1. DANIELE BENNATI
“Cav can’t win the points competition because they do it properly” is what somebody told us, but then a sprinter did win it after all. The mauve jersey might be ugly, but it beats that awful Liquigas kit. Now that’s motivation.

2. MARK CAVENDISH
Daniele Bennati looked like he was going backwards when he faced Cavendish one-on-one. More important than his two stage wins, the square-headed Manxman actually managed three whole weeks without offending all of his colleagues or falling off a podium. 10/10

3. ANDRE GREIPEL
Andre Greipel isn’t a sprinter. He isn’t even really a lead out man. He claimed he was the fastest in the field after his win, even though the whole world saw Cav gift him the stage. Cav and Ciolek will have to be injured or absent before he even comes close to winning another after that display, the pale, taut-skinned, jug-eared, smug-faced prick.

MAGLIA VERDE

1. EMANUELE SELLA
The Man of the Giro. The Honourable Winner. Climbed like a beast to make himself known to the kinds of people who only ever notice podium finishers. We still remember your amazing, emotional stage win in Cesena shortly after Pantani’s death, Emanuele.

2. VASILI KIRYIENKA
Who he?! Tinkoff did well placing somebody third in the least interesting mountains competition in history, but pretty much the only thing we remember about Kiryienka is the amount of times Anthony McCrossan said his name.

19. STEVEN CUMMINGS
Took fourth place in one of the most gruelling stages in the race. Unfortunately, it was also the only interesting GC stage in the whole race, so Steve’s achievement was mostly overlooked as people discussed the excitement of seeing a grand tour contender actually mount a serious attack for the first time in ten years. You’re still our hero, Steve.

FAST TEAM CLASSIFICATION

1. CSF GROUP – NAVIGARE
Won four whole stages, three of which were from Sella. Only High Road and Liquigas managed the same feat. All three of those teams have absolutely appalling kits. COINCIDENCE?

2. ASTANA
All eyes were on the Astana team from the very beginning, who were a late inclusion at the expense of a small Swiss sponsor who’d budgeted the entire year around having their team in the Giro. So Astana are, indirectly, yet again to blame for a sponsor leaving the sport. They under-performed in every sphere of the race, and yet doughy Alberto Contador managed to win the overall without looking anywhere near on form. Sigh.

3. LIQUIGAS
Had a great Giro this year even without renowned doper Danilo Di Luca. Will have an even better Giro next year with renowned doper Ivan Basso. Cannondale are having a field day, even if the whole world knows that American bikes are only for dopers and fatties.

FELT.CH

It was going to be the next LET LEVI CRY. A website registered in Switzerland so we’d have the .ch domain, parodying Felt bikes. Together it made felt.ch, a thing so disgusting that not even that girl you knew in university has done it, and she’s done everything. Unfortunately, the domain was already TAKEN (and is, sadly, completely work safe).

Photoshopping fecal matter and other unpleasant discharge into a bunch of website images about bikes probably wouldn’t have been very funny at all, as well as a time-intensive task that we couldn’t get away with doing at work. A narrow escape all round, really.

EMAIL OF THE MONTH

From: Elijah Copeland
To: DerailedUK
Subject: Bomb her womb with your huge cannon

Our amazing way of male enhancement will help you to outwit the Mother Nature!
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AWESOME BIKE OF THE MONTH 1989

We know Laurent Fignon lost the Giro and Tour through a poor understanding of aerodynamics, but his hour record attempt bike overcompensated like a bastard.

THINGS TOM BOONEN HAS HAD IN HIS NOSE THIS MONTH

Nasal decongestant
Cocaine
A 16 year old girl’s furry cup

COMMENTATORS VERSUS…

PARCOURS

Those French, with their obsession with riddling their words with silent letters, acute accents, and general poetic touches that make everyday English sound like a haphazardly thrown together muddle. For instance, who knows whether to pronounce the s in “parcours” or not?

Well, lots of people know, actually. But one TV presenter in particular only recently worked it out, and another commentator continues to mispronounce it…

SLIPSTREAM POWERED BY CHIPOTLE

Chip-pot-lay? What the fuck is that?

BEAT THE BRAINS (AT CYCLING TV (AGAIN))

We did write a thing about Bjorn Leukemans, but calling him Bjorn Neukemans because “Neuken” means “to fuck” in Dutch, and that was his defence after he got busted for doping. Even though he’s going through the motions of a serious appeal, it’s probably a bit tired to include as an update, so here’s the latest Beat the Brains instead.

We only wrote the question about Iban Mayo this time, and we were told to make it easy. At least, that’s what were going to say if anybody accuses us of selling out because we didn’t do anything as fiendish as our Fausto Coppi question last month.

(VIDEO IS NO LONGER ONLINE!)

Sigh. At least if we’d done the “Bjorn Neukemans” thing we’d have been able to use the word “cognomen.” 5/10

NEXT MONTH’S ISSUE WILL BE ONLINE WHENEVER WE CAN FUCKING BE ARSED

(or when we finally have a fixed abode and an internet connection)

All content is free of copyright. Unless you’re from Future Publishing or IPC Media, in which case it’ll be £500 per word.