DerailedUK Issue Seven
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Ride the time machine back to the 2008 Tour de France. We’d taken an all expenses paid trip to Paris courtesy of… a friend of Derailed who was riding London-Paris. Much appreciated, even if it was a different source from the usual people sending us to places.
That reinvigorating trip fueled us with plenty to write about. Mostly still insults, just a greater quantity of them. These days we’d just increase the insult density rather than the entire wordcount of the issue, but 2008 was a different time. People were still excited about infinite canvases and whatnot.
Chess on Wheels
July 2008
The reason Luxembourg riders are better than French riders is that their country is too small to train for hopelessly long, doomed breakaways.
That’s a joke. And it might’ve lost something in translation. But they are pretty good, those Luxembourgeois.
So are the Spanish. The Giro, the Tour, and probably the Vuelta. Not to mention the Olympics and that pile of single-day and stage race victories that Alejandro Valverde’s amassed this year.
And, thanks to Mark Cavendish and Nicole Cooke, the UK is good now too.
- CARLOS SASTRE
L’Equipe didn’t know quite what to make of Sastre, but their comic strips about him were pretty funny. We’d like to see them adapted into a graphic novel and, eventually, a reasonably disappointing feature film. - CADEL EVANS @ 58″
The smarmy, whiney, squeaky-voiced clam arrogantly waited for the final time-trial where he thought he could win by over two minutes, only to have Carlos Sastre rub it right in his disgusting toad face. Ha! - BERNHARD KOHL @ 1’13”
Puffy-faced mutant warriors are ten a penny on the Gerolsteiner team, but it’s Kohl and Schumacher who stand (disfigured) head and shoulders above the rest in terms of ugliness and racing ability. The kid might look weird on a bike, but he’s pretty special when it hits the mountains. Thankfully. - DENIS MENCHOV @ 2’10”
Fell off going uphill, lost time going downhill, got stuck behind every crash on the flat. Even for a rider who’s so tactically astute when he’s on form, it’s hard to believe that it was all down to bad luck. Same again next year Denis? - CHRISTIAN VANDEVELDE @ 3’50”
Clung on for dear life on the Hautacam before telling the media he’d have been leading the race if he’d attacked. That’s up there with a footballer saying he’d have scored if the goalkeeper hadn’t saved it. - FRANK SCHLECK @ 4’28”
The cycling media went mad for Big Schleck, saying he was the first Luxembourg rider since Charly Gaul to wear the yellow jersey, clearly forgetting that Kim Kirchen had worn it less than a week beforehand. - SAMUEL SANCHEZ @ 6’25”
When we try to think of what Sammy Sanchez actually did during the Tour, only that attack on the Alpe d’Huez springs to mind. But then, that’s all that Sastre did, really, and that worked out pretty well for him too. We like our new Olympic champion. - KIM KIRCHEN @ 6’55”
Three riders from Luxembourg in the race, and two of them wear the yellow jersey. And the other wins the white jersey. Square-headed Kim even wore the green jersey for a bit. Looks a bit chubby when he unzips his jersey, mind. - ALEJANDRO VALVERDE @ 7’12”
Wore the yellow jersey, cracked, attacked, cracked, attacked. Finished ninth. Probably didn’t justify being touted as a favourite. Probably will be touted as a favourite again next year anyway.
GREEN JERSEY
1. OSCAR FREIRE
Oscarito actually won a stage! Only one though. We know it’s a prize for consistency, but it’d be nice if there was more to winning the green jersey than just taking some intermediate sprints and a pile of fourth places.
-. MARK CAVENDISH
Won four stages without getting anywhere near the points jersey. But his team-mate Kim Kirchen did wear it, proving that it’s not just a jersey for the sprinters. Then Freire won it overall, proving the opposite. Oh well.
POLKA DOT JERSEY
1. BERNARD KOHL
It’s so nice to see the spotty jersey winner on the podium. It means that he’s probably an actual climber, rather than just an uncreative donkey who picked up loads of points in breakaways.
-. RICCARDO RICCO
A bunch of no-marks had been wearing the mountains jersey until Ricky Ricco brought some of his trademark flair to the competition. He got done for doping and everything, but at least he kickstarted the whole “climbers can wear the climbers jersey too” thing.
YOUTH AND TEAM CLASSIFICATIONS
ANDY SCHLECK
The one thing worse than your girlfriend falling in love with a pair of Luxembourger brothers is your girlfriend vocally falling in love with a pair of Luxembourger brothers who you’re both watching on TV for six hours every day.
TEAM CSC-SAXO BANK
The only team that actually did anything resembling hard, well-thought work were incredible deserved to win everything. Which they did! Shame Riis pussied out of saying “We’ll win the Tour” until the Champs Elysees, mind.
CYCLING ORIGINS: CHESS ON WHEELS
We hear a lot about how cycling isn’t just about riding hard, how it’s Chess on Wheels ™. But what games were initially selected before the first cyclists settled for chess?
SCRABBLE ON WHEELS
For three short years, the riders wore letters instead of numbers on their backs. Directeurs Sportifs had to spell words using stage victories, the winning team being the one with most points at the end. Incidentally, the first ever team to be excluded from a Tour de France was the Tinkler team in 1907, after a heavy debate over the word “besmile.” Even pointing out that A.S.O. was equally invalid because it was an acronym didn’t help, mainly because the A.S.O. didn’t exist at that time.
CHECKERS ON WHEELS
The natural progression from checkers to chess is easy to see. Initially very successful despite being based on a solved game, tactics were in full flow as the race went on. Only two things prevented this from taking off: The early pro cyclists didn’t like having to ride diagonally across roads, and some teams felt that the rule about overtaking people in a sprint by bunnyhopping over their heads was a little too dangerous. However, none of these concerns managed to stop Louis Trousselier from arriving in Paris at the end of the 1905 Tour, stepping off his bike, and jubilantly shouting “KING ME!”
CARCASSONNE ON WHEELS
Very influential in the creation of the Tour de France in 1903, Carcassonne on Wheels saw riders travelling around France, filling in where they thought rivers and cities should be. Leaving the riders in these places for time bonuses at the end of the Tour was working out fine until everybody realised that they couldn’t contest the team time trial with one man knighted in Lille, two stuck in Nantes, one working on a farm, and another stood in the middle of a road somewhere in Bretagne.
MONOPOLY ON WHEELS
Riders earn fucktons of money for boring their way around an uninspiring set course, with the winner at the end almost always being the participant that everybody finds the most disagreeable. Wait a minute…
DICKHEAD OF THE MONTH – MANUEL BELTRAN
Far be it from us to criticise somebody for cheating in a bike race that is, to all effects and purposes, meaningless in any broader context of society or history, but doping to still ride like a complete donkey is like taking an E to go to the corner shop and buy Doritos. And to get caught wobbling around full of drugs at the back of the peloton is just stupid. But at least everyone will finally accept that he’s a yet another link to Lance’s doping.
“But I am also saddened to see a greater [sic] such as Beltran turning to doping. If not for doping Beltran would go down as one of the great domestiques since the 90’s. Beltran worked extremely hard for Indurain and Lance.“
Oh, right. Maybe not then.
EMAIL OF THE MONTH
From: Tang
To: DerailedUK
Subject: Britney Clothed Photo Fury
Blair: Im Not Gay, Thats Just My Accent
COMMENTATORS VERSUS: “CAT AND MOUSE”
At the end of every breakaway, every single cycling commentator appears obliged to say something along the lines of “There’s no time to be playing cat and mouse,” despite the fact that the phrase means exactly nothing.
Face facts: Unless Christophe Moreau is going to walk into your living room with a dead Thomas Voeckler in his mouth and leave it at your feet while he happily rolls around on the floor, it’s not “cat and mouse.”
FORD ESCORT TOUR DE FRANCE
Stage One: Essex – Dover (70 km)
Stage Two: Calais – The Nearest Hypermarche To The Ferry Terminal – Calais (1.5 km)
Stage Three: Dover – Essex (70 km)
Green Jersey Requirements: Get impossibly drunk on the ferry both ways then tell everybody at work how good a time you had because of it.
Mountain Jersey Requirements: Base all your judgement of France on the one mile of road with English signs you saw while you were there, punch a Frenchman or German, make a post on the BBC “Have Your Say” website saying that the EU should back off.
White Jersey Requirements: Tell everybody at the ferry terminal how fantastic Margaret Thatcher was.
Doping: Exceding a 20km distance from the ferry terminal constitutes doping. This is banned because it is dangerous for the competitors, whose entire world-view is liable to being completely shattered when they discover that France is an efficient, passionate, interesting country that makes Britain look like the pathetic little island it really is. The maximum punishment for “doping” is three years of being called a “wine drinking puff” by your peers, and having to use the short cue when you play pool.
SCRIPT EXTRACT
EXT. 2008 TOUR DE FRANCE
After a long stage CADEL EVANS, Australia’s least Australian sporting personality, is accosted by the press.
EVANS
That just wasn’t fair! People were trying to beat me!
He headbutts a cameraman and his security guard informs everybody that they shouldn’t be looking Evans directly in the eyes.
EVANS (CONT’D)
I’m the obvious contender for the overall, but everybody hates me for some reason! I don’t know why!
Cadel Evans slaps a reporter whose microphone touches his cuddly lion.
EVANS (CONT’D)
I just think tha- HEY! STAND ON MY DOG AND I’LL CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!
MAN OF THE TOUR
As well as being the best cyclist ever (shut up, Coppi and Merckx fans), Bernard Hinault is also the best Tour de France blazer ever.
TEAM PHOTO OF THE MONTH: US POSTAL SERVICE
What a friendly group of young men. It’s so nice to see boys so close these days, unashamed of what a homophobic sporting culture might think.
RICCO TO PRISON: “FUCK YOU”
You thought we were bad with our blind hatred of various pro cyclists? You were wrong. Well, actually you were right, but there are people who are much more badder than us.
Like the reactionary cycling fans all over the internet who’re rasping that Riccardo Ricco should serve a gaol sentence (lasting the inexplicably precise time of two and a half years) with the same self-righteousness of a Middle-England Daily Mail reader who’s just heard about Grand Theft Auto.
Save us from this sanctimonious bullshit. Ricco just cheated at a sporting event, something that certainly shouldn’t demand a spell in prison. But what’s important to them is that he cheated in a very particular way, in a very particular sporting event.
As anybody who’s read GEORGE MONBIOT and MICHEL FOUCAULT will clarify, we’re perhaps just a little bit over-zealous in shoving people behind bars, murmering how that should teach them, then moving onto the next target. This is certainly the case here.
The argument goes that it’s against the law in France, which is a matter for a different debate altogether, but even if we do treat cheating at sporting events as “fraud”, that means any diving footballers and directeur sportifs handing up sticky bottles should be locked away too. Will they all fit?
And why is sporting fraud deserving of a prison sentence anyway? Assuming the most capitalistic line — that protecting money comes first — Ricco still isn’t a threat to any more money; he can’t race, and there’s nothing to suggest that committing sporting fraud will make him get a job as a dodgy accountant or go and rob a bank.
The simple fact is that there’s nobody and nothing that would be any more protected by Ricco going to gaol. Sporting punishment for sporting infractions, nothing more. Chill out.
AWESOME HORRIBLE BIKE OF THE MONTH SERIAL MASTURBATORS
It’s even called the “Bitchcruiser.” Sigh. Being seen riding this must be even worse than when your girlfriend gets you on the wrong train the night before you go to the Tour of Flanders and you end up stranded in Oxford.
GET THE LOOK
Welcome to the first in a series of guides to getting the perfect look. By the end of the series you’ll be able to go to any cycling event confident of fitting in. You might even make a few friends with whom you can discuss the merits of cotton caps!
IN THE COMPANY OF PEOPLE WHO (RE)DISCOVERED CYCLING AGED 30+
STEP ONE: Wrap white masking tape around one sleeve of your black jersey to make it look like a Rapha top.
STEP TWO: Tell everybody about your cycling trip to the Pyrenees in July, and how your daughter Tamala is going to be the next Nicole Cooke.
CONGRATULATIONS, you’ll fit in perfectly.
COURSE MAPS THAT LOOK A BIT LIKE PENISES: #1 SALFORD CRITERIUM
That “#1” might be a bit problematic. Might mean we get carried away with it. Might mean we fill the next issue with pictures of other course maps that look a bit like willies, even though nobody else is interested.
This is the map for that Salford criterium that Rapha are doing. It’s up north instead of in London, so maybe it won’t just be rammed with hairy-legged men standing around holding their Colnagos and Condors and wearing Rapha gear. Maybe.
We like to think this whole thing came about by somebody drawing a cock on a map, then realising it might make a good criterium route. Those are the kind of coincidences we can believe in.
ANOTHER (POSSIBLE) COCK WE FOUND
This one was in Scarborough.
NEXT MONTH: A VIDEO??
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