#tbt – Script Extract – Jan Ullrich Biopic

With the news that a Jan Ullrich documentary might be in the works, confidentially told to us by someone you’d never believe we’d have ever worked with, we’re revisiting one of Derailed’s worst ever recurring features: Script Extracts.

We can’t remember where the inspiration originally came from, but we’d often share silly scenarios featuring pro cyclists, written up as though they were part of movie scripts. Probably because we were writing for TV at the time. That’s hard to tell from this output though.

Jan Ullrich used to get fat over the winter. For some reason we decided to make a joke about it in October 2008, long after he’d fled the sport. His winters weren’t kind to him, and retirement has been even crueller. Get well soon, Jan.

Script Extract – Jan Ullrich Biopic

INT. A SUPERMARKET IN GERMANY

It is mid-October and JAN ULLRICH has been secretly planning a comeback to finally beat rival LANCE ARMSTRONG.

ULLRICH
Oh! Cereal comes in boxes now?

Enter WALTER GODEFOOT, Ullrich’s boss and drug dealer… keeper awayer. Ullrich fumbles with something and presses his hand tight against his chest.

GODEFROOT
Ah Jan! Checking out the muesli, I see. Did you know that cereal comes in boxes these days?

ULLRICH
(Awkwardly) Yes… err… sir, I just noticed that same thing.

GODEFROOT
How is the training going? Getting the miles in?

ULLRICH
(Still awkwardly) I am more dedicated that ever before, again. This time I won’t mess it up, again. I promise!

As a crowd gathers to watch their local hero buy cereal, a jumbo pack of sausages falls out from underneath Ullrich’s t-shirt.

GODEFROOT
(Laughing) Oh Jan!

Fade to black, roll credits.